Critics -Today: Laugh to Live | Happy Humor Month

Monday, April 12, 2010

Birthday

Q. What's the best way to remember your wife's birthday?

A. Forget it once.

Last Request

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

"What's bothering you, dear?" he asks.

"Oh, Father, I have terrible news," she says: "My husband passed away last night."

"Oh, Mary, that is terrible," he replies: "Tell me, did he have any last requests?"

"Just one, Father..." she says.

"What did he ask, Mary?" the priest asks.

"He said: 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"

A new wife and a new dog

Q. What's the difference between a new wife and a new dog?

A. After a year, the dog's still happy to see you.

Living statue

A woman was in bed with her lover, Steve, when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said: "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered: "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly: "The Martins bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said about the statue -- not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around 2 a.m., the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the statue: "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Henderson’s for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

Blonde diet

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks,” he instructs her: “The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says: "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods: "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day," she says.

"From hunger, you mean?" the doctor asks.

"No, from skipping."

Burst out with laughter & enjoy the Humor Month (April)

source: askmen.com